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Dear UNGIRL...

Updated: Apr 7, 2021

Weekly Anonymous Sex & Relationship Advice from Becca & Cat

This week: Condom sizes, Virginity, Dirty Talk + More!

Hey! We are Cat and Becca, two sex positive, non-judgemental women who love to talk about sex, dating and body confidence, so we decided to start an advice column! We will be answering a number of anonymous questions each week and you can send us a question through clicking here! We hope you enjoy reading and thank you for all the love and support you send us!

Q: I have a big belly now and I feel uncomfortable to undress in front of a guy, I need help!

B: Our bodies are always changing, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are always more critical of ourselves than we are of other people. If you are already taking your clothes off in front of someone, chances are they will just be excited to see you naked!

Q: What kind of condoms should single girls carry? Like sizes and stuff?

B: It’s always a good idea to carry condoms - just in case! In terms of condoms, it really is one size fits most. Focus more on what kind of condoms feel good for you! Lubricated ones, or non-latex, in case of a latex allergy. Sometimes you’ll hear the excuse that “condoms don’t fit me” as a reason for not wearing one. Make it clear that you won’t have sex without one, and expect them to bring their own the next time, if size really is an issue.

C: I totally agree with Becca, my mum taught me one thing; you always need to bring condoms because unfortunately we cannot rely on people with penises to always wear them. When it comes to sizing, the best you can do is bring the regular size, as becca says, it's made to fit the average size of penis. However, if you are with a partner who has discomfort with condom sizing, there are now many brands to choose from that give you much more flexibility with size, i'd recommend the brand One Condom as they have so many sizes to choose from, but that should be up to him to buy special condoms to fit his penis.

Q: How to teach my partner to properly stimulate the clit during sex?

B: They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and in the spirit of that quote - don’t tell your partner - show them! Whether you have a sexy, mutual masturbation session, or whether you get on top of them and give them a show, what better way to tell them how you like it than to show them how it’s done!

Q: how to tell a date, that you want to be intimate with, that you have little to no experience?

B: This isn’t as much of a turn-off as people seem to think - be up front with your date, and include anything you would like/need to happen in order for you to be comfortable with that information. E.g: "Hey, just letting you know that I haven’t got a lot of experience sexually yet, but I am really excited about what we are doing! Just letting you know, so that we can take it slowly/-whatever conditions you would like to place for your comfort-”.

Q: I struggle to get wet despite being in the mood...

B: Did you know that vaginal lubrication is created by a set of glands called Bartholin’s glands? Some peoples’ glands react less, or slower to sexual stimulation than others, and it has nothing to do with how turned on you are! Try stretching out foreplay activities longer, and see if that helps, and if you’re still not as wet as you would like, find a lubricant that can help out in those situations. How wet you are isn’t necessarily an indication of how excited you are - that is an important fact to remember! Sometimes we can be very wet with absolutely no sexy stimulation, and other times not at all, despite being turned on.

C: You are not alone in this, a lot of people suffer from vaginal dryness at all ages, and unfortunately many are too ashamed to speak up about it due to shame or fear that they will upset their partner, but it is a very common thing and does not mean you're not horny or that your partner is bad at pleasuring you. I would also highly recommend lubricant, water based lubes are lovely and light, plus don't feel sticky on your hands, but if you're looking for a long lasting lube, a silicone based lubricant might work better. Many of us need lube at some point, no shame in it and it's a wonderful addition to your sex life, plus you can use it for massages too! Win - win!

Q: How to respectfully “talk dirty”?

B: What a great question! Talking dirty can be a fun, naughty activity, but of course what counts as “dirty” is very subjective. What may feel sexy and a turn-on for one person could be completely upsetting for someone else. The best way to figure this out is to discuss it with your partner! Ask them how they’d feel about doing this, and even if you don’t want to ask them what they do like, perhaps ask them if there are any things that are 100% off limits. That way you can be creative, without worrying too much about overstepping the mark.

Q: I recently turned 18 and my parents are deeply religious so I need better advice on losing my virginity.

What should I be expecting? I’m pretty self conscious about my body, so idk how to get over that!

Pandemic not withstanding, I would love any advice or tips on sex itself too. Thank you for providing me with the sex-ed I never got!

B: First of all, let’s try and do away with the framing of “losing” one’s virginity, because you’re not losing anything, but you are gaining new experiences! Everyone is a bit nervous before their first sexual experiences, and with religious parents, I can’t imagine that is made any easier. What should you be expecting? A lot of fun! There is no reason that this first venture into sexuality has to be serious, or solemn - kissing, oral, using your hands, they should all be activities that are fun, and that you enjoy. Make sure that you take your time enjoying one activity, and don’t feel pressure to move to the “next step” before you really want to. All sexual acts are ones that are enjoyable on their own, and aren’t just stepping stones to “the main event” (whatever that even is). A good way to prepare yourself for partnered sex is to get really good at solo sex! If you know what you like, and what sensations feel good for you, it’ll be much easier to convey that to your partner. As for feeling self-conscious about your body, try and remember that the other person will just be so excited to be experiencing this with you, and to see you naked! We are always much harsher on ourselves than we would be on other people. In the meantime, perhaps try and find some outfits that make you feel good. Put on your favourite music and dance wearing them. If you can’t love your body for the way you see it right now, try and love how you feel just by living in it. All the best on this new, exhilarating chapter!

C: I completely agree with Becca, the idea of losing your virginity is really harmful, and the less we worry about 'losing' or 'breaking' something, the better it will be to enjoy and do it free from shame, but I am so happy you're taking your pleasure and body seriously and learning about this before you have your sexual debut.

The first time can be really enjoyable and pain free if you get to know your body first. I was masturbating for a long time before I had sex with a partner. That meant when I was with them, I knew where to direct their touch, and I was used to getting aroused and that meant I was able to orgasm even on the first time. So my advice would be to really work on your own sexuality first, try to find things that get you excited and aroused, that could be reading erotica, your imagination or even porn (I have a feminist friendly porn guide here). I also completely understand the body consciousness you feel, I was the exact same and really felt awkward to show my body to anyone, even myself, but the best things you can do is to begin to normalise your body to yourself through looking at yourself naked, I know it's a bit hard, but it gets easier! The second thing I did to help, was follow a lot more body positive accounts on social media, because seeing a diversity of body types really tells your brain that all bodies are beautiful. Lastly, getting to know your body through touch and masturbation can help you learn to accept your body and show it love and affection.

If you'd like to read a full post about losing your virginity/sexual debut, i've written a full guide here: A Guide to a Safe and Enjoyable Sexual Debut Without Pain.

We really enjoyed answering your questions, keep watch for next week's post and have a great week!

If you'd like to submit a question for our advice column, just send us a message here.

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