Dear UNGIRL...

Weekly Anonymous Sex & Relationship Advice from Becca & Cat

Hey! We are Cat and Becca, two sex positive, non-judgemental women who love to talk about sex, dating and body confidence, so we decided to start an advice column! We will be answering a number of anonymous questions each week and you can send us a question through clicking here! We hope you enjoy reading and thank you for all the love and support you send us!

Q: How to know if your partner has really enjoyed the sex, like just to make sure it was ok on their side?

B: Ah, and easy question with an easy answer: Ask them! I cannot overstate the importance of good communication enough. Engage in open dialogue with your partner. Ask questions that encourage discussion and suggestions, like “which part of our sex together do you enjoy most?” “any hints on how I can improve anything?” “is there anything that you want to try out, or do more of in our sex life?”. Make sure they know that there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” answer to these questions, and also be more open about things you would like to try, to lead by example!

C: I know what you mean, we all have insecurity that we aren't giving our partner enough pleasure, but all we can do is communicate. I am louder in bed than my partner so I give a lot of verbal signs of pleasure and I've had to ask my partner to show me either through words or sounds and sometimes I just have to ask; 'how does that feel?'. There's nothing wrong with having to ask, sometimes people are just not so expressive during sex and it has nothing to do with your performance.

Q: Do you have any safe-word suggestions/ideas?

B: The safe-word should be something easy to remember, and something unrelated to sexual activity. Popular ones are names of fruit, or vegetables. If you are doing a scene that involves being gagged in some way, you can also hold on to something in your hand that is either able to make noise, or something that will make noise if you drop it (e.g: a bunch of keys). If you want something a little more gradual, you can do what’s called the “traffic light check”, with “green” meaning “full steam ahead”, “yellow” meaning “this is fine, but not more” and “red” meaning an immediate stop to activity.

Q: What kind of lube is good for silicone butt plugs?

B: A really important question! First of all let’s say what *not* to use: silicone lubricant. Silicone lubricant can actually break down the silicone toy over time, which is the last thing that you want to be thinking about when trying to have a good time. Water based lubricants are a safe option, even though you may need to reapply a bit more often when it comes to butt stuff than others. You can safely use water-based with condoms as well, as it is latex friendly. The last suggestion is oil based. Oil based lube is great for anal play, as it lasts a lot longer than its water-based counterpart, but the thing here is that oil based is absolutely not latex friendly, so avoid using it if you’re also using a condom.

C: This advice goes really well for all silicone toys and it's super important to think about the type of lube you're using depending on if you're using a condom or not. Water based lubes are amazing all rounders as they can be used for almost all situations and they're not sticky, which feels so lovely on your body!

Q: How to be SAFE during things like BDSM or bondage?

B: This is a bit of a complicated question, which has more than one answer. We are hoping to bring out a few guides regarding this exact topic fairly soon, so stay tuned.

The short answer is: for scenes involving BDSM, education, communication, and reflection, you should always research the activity you are planning to do, talk about what you’d like the activity to look like (what do you want from the scene? What are the things that are an absolute no-go for you? How long should it last? Do you want to set a safeword, or will “stop” be enough?), discuss your boundaries, as well as your partner’s. Aftercare is important, discuss how you want to be treated afterwards, as well as what your partner will need from you. Talk about what worked, and what didn’t. You can never do too much talking when it comes to this topic!

Regarding bondage - that is a whole other ballgame. Ideally take a basic workshop from a well established and ethical teacher, because you want to make sure you know how to tie properly, how to free someone quickly, and how to avoid injuring the body of the person you are tying. Bondage can be very simple, or more complicated, but the important thing is to be informed and always putting safety first!

Q: How to experiment and find out if you have a kink if you’ve previously been quite vanilla?

B: Since “kink” implies any sexual behaviours, fantasies or activities that go beyond the norm (which is a very narrow zone), most people have engaged in “kinky” activities before. If you’re looking to enhance your sex life with some more adventurous things, start by consuming some media that showcases some. Perhaps start with a general area in mind (are you interested in bondage? Threesomes? Group sex?) and have a look for some written erotica on these topics. I suggest written erotica, as it is easier to find free material that isn’t exclusively produced for or by the male gaze. Once you’ve figured out some things you’d like to try, research how to do so in a safe way. If you have a partner, include them in this!

As usual, we really enjoyed answering your questions and look forward to answering more, so keep watch for next week's post and have a great week!

Lots of love, Cat & Becca xoxo

If you'd like to submit a question for our advice column, just send us a message here.