Updated: Jul 19, 2021
How to 'Get Out of Your Head' in Bed
We've all been there, we're having amazing sex and all of a sudden our mind drifts to that work meeting we had today, or what we're going to have for dinner, and that orgasm we were so close to having, suddenly disappears.
Our brains are very easily distracted and since we live in a world with so many distractions, it's very easy to get taken off track during sex. Emotions like stress actively reduce our arousal, so any thoughts that make us feel anxious or worried are going to have a huge impact on how much pleasure you're feeling during sex. Luckily there are things we can do to help!
Check out the list below and see what you can do to reduce your distractions and be more present and engaged in your sex life.
Remove Distractions From Your Space
The first thing we can all do, is work on creating a more sex friendly space in our bedrooms, or where ever you like to have sex! We live with so many distractions like the TV, our workspace, our messy pile of clothes we haven't washed yet, and all of these things actively turn us off having sex and can easily distract us during sex! There is nothing worse than getting into it, and finding an old smelly sock under the covers or noticing that a bit of wall paper needs replacing, so take time to walk through your space and take note of all the things that take your attention and how you can reduce their impact from your bed.
If you have a big room and you share it with your office, try using a room separator! A sheet or curtains will also do a great job at creating a private, sexy space around your bed.
Once you've removed distractions, you can start to add attractions by using smells, textures and lights that make you feel sexy and encourage you to have some pleasure time.
Turn off Your Mobile & Laptop
Similarly, turn off your phone! Hearing your work email ping or thinking about social media is the biggest turn off to you and your partner, so clear your space of as many digital distractions as possible and replace it with a nice playlist to set the mood.
Get to Know Your Body Really Well
If you're easily distracted during sex, it could be because you're not fully enjoying what's going on during the sex. We all have certain acts or places on our body that feel more amazing than others and knowing where they are and how to touch them will help us and our partners stimulate us, meaning we'll be more likely to be present in what's going on.
Losing focus doesn't mean you're not enjoying the sex, but understanding your body and what really turns you on will give you more tools to help get your head back into the experience if something does distract you. It will also help you know what you don't like, so you can communicate that to your partner and avoid it during your time together.
Work on Your Sexual Imagination
My biggest sexual asset is my imagination, but I have been reading and watching erotica for years! I think that's something everyone can do, as having a wealth of sexy memories and images in our brains will help us get in the mood during our own sex life.
Developing your own sexuality and knowing more about what turns you on helps guide you to have more intense and pleasurable sessions as you're able to create a sexual experience that suits your personal desires and fantasies.
You can also be more conscious in remembering your own sexual experiences. Think about the last times you had sex with yourself or a partner, what turned you on, how did it feel, what did you do? Making an effort to commit these exciting moments to memory will make a huge difference to helping you get turned on and stay turned on during sex.
Being more present in the moment is not always easy but it's something we can all work on more in and out of sex. Mindfulness techniques like meditation can help us practice and build up more ability in staying focused on one thing. Meditation isn't everyone's cup of tea but there are a lot of different practices and techniques you can implement into your life that will give you the tools to enjoy your sexual experiences more.
If you want to turn it into a couples activity, you can even take a class in tantra, or breathing techniques together.
Did you know how much your breathing affects your ability to experience pleasure during sex? A lot of people hold their breath without realising during sex, which can reduce their ability to orgasm! Experts recommend deep breathing pushing the air through your body and feeling it reach your genitals. This roots you consciously in your body and takes away some of the mental distractions that may be going on in your head.
Before and during sex, think about your breath. Take at least a few minutes before having sex to wind down your body with some deep breaths and feel the air move through your body. This will make you more present in how your body is feeling and experiencing pleasure.
Communicate! Talk to Yourself & Your Partner
If you're beginning to think about something else during sex, move your thought to think about what is actually going on in that moment. Literally tell yourself (in your head), what you or your partner is doing to your body. How are you feeling? What do you want to do next? We can't always turn off our thoughts so we may as well redirect them to something sexy.
If you feel comfortable and enjoy talking during sex, communicate to your partner what you like, how you feel, what you want to do to them, what you want them to do to you. This will keep your head in the moment and also help guide you both to more pleasure.
If you're silent in bed, it might be easy for other noises or thoughts to take the front spot in your head. The noise we make during sex isn't just something sexy, it's an active sign of how we're feeling and shows to our head and our partner's that we feel pleasure. You don't have to start faking moaning, but feeling free to express yourself will probably turn you and whoever you're with on a lot more and acts as another thing keeping your brain occupied in what's going on.
If you struggle to feel sexy in your normal everyday life, maybe you can act sexy! No fake orgasms or fake feelings, but playing a role can be really fun and help you get out of your head a little and let go of some anxiety or insecurities you have in yourself. Think about what kind of scenario you find arousing, you can have fun together buying some interesting outfits or planning a set-up for your role. Doing things like this can help you bring more fun and expression into your sex life.
Remember it's Normal!
We all lose focus sometimes. Life is stressful, we have worries, concerns, distractions and so many other things to think about, and sometimes sex is just not a priority. That is okay and it's not something you need to worry too much about. Actually, it's good that you don't worry, because it helps you deal with it better when a thought does come into your head.
If you do get distracted, don't dwell on it or feel bad, just let the thought go and think about what you can do to get your focus back. Practising some of these techniques will better prepare you to deal with it when it happens, but even if you do lose your focus and can't orgasm, remember that sex isn't always about having an orgasm. It's about connecting and communicating with yourself and a partner, and that is never a wasted time, even if a climax doesn't come.