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This Week: Advice on masturbation, how to deal with jealousy & discovering your sexuality
Hey! We are Cat and Becca, two sex positive friends who love to talk about sex, love, body confidence & life, so we decided to start an advice column! We will be answering a number of anonymous questions each week and you can send us a question through clicking here! We hope you enjoy reading and thank you for all the love and support you send us!
Q: Is it normal to bleed after masturbation?
B: First of all, it’s important to check a few things - what does your masturbation technique look like? Are you inserting toys, or fingers? Do you make sure that your nails are cut *and* filed beforehand? Do you use enough lube with the toys that you use? The inside of the vagina can be very sensitive when it comes to cuts or tears, so your first stop should be checking that you’re taking steps to avoid this damage. If the bleeding occurs regardless, or if you’re bleeding even without any penetrative activities, it’s time to make an appointment with your gynaecologist, as bleeding after masturbation (or sex) can be a sign of cervical abnormalities. It’s an easy enough thing to check, though, and it’s always better to err on the side of caution if you’re ever unsure. Health is #1!
C: Becca covered this question really well and I'd like to add that some people with endometriosis (a condition where lining similar to the lining of the uterus, grows in other parts of the body), can experience bleeding after masturbation and sex, due to the endometrial tissue shedding when it's been disturbed. If you are bleeding regularly, it is something to see a doctor and ideally a gynaecologist about and they can give you the support you need.
Q: Is it okay to masturbate to someone in your head?
"I have sex with you a lot in my head." as fun as that quote sounds, in the back of my mind, whenever i don't just brush it off, a feeling of guilt lingers every time i do this bc isn't it a bit objectifying to use someone in your mind to satisfy yourself? i mean, sure, if someone you find attractive said that they do this to you, you'd take it as compliment, right? but what if someone you don't know said this to you? is it something that we should just be cool about? is this really normal? i can't help but feel bad thinking that i should've asked for their consent first before "using" them but sometimes, it just really happens naturally and out of the blue. is it really okay to just freely have people enter your mind and help them make you release? Or is it possible to do that without having an occurrence of objectification? huhu i just want to masturbate in peace I hope you can answer my questions. ♡
B: I think that this particular question is, in actuality, two questions. One question I see here is: “Is it okay to fantasize about people that you are friends with/that you know?”.
My own personal answer to this would be - yes! I think it’s natural that when we’re venturing into fantasyland while masturbating, that we think about people that we feel sexual attraction to - whether it’s famous people we idolised as teens, or someone a little closer to home. If this remains just a fun, sexy moment, and doesn’t turn into an obsession with this person (or the idea of them that you have in your head), then you can absolutely engage in these solo moments guilt free. The part of this that I see that is problematic is the part where you extend this fantasy beyond the boundaries of your own mind, and you tell the person about it. “I have sex with you a lot in my head” stated out loud to another person (who you aren’t currently romantically/sexually engaged with) would definitely cross the line from “harmless fantasy” into “harassment”. Much in the way that nobody likes to hear unsolicited comments about their body, or receive intimate photos they didn’t ask for, being told out of the blue by somebody you don’t know (or even someone you do know!) that you have been featuring in their own personal X rated fantasies is not something that most people enjoy - and it’s also unnecessary. What would there be to be gained by telling someone this? Usually only their discomfort. So in conclusion - feel free to have fun solo with your mind roaming free, but don’t let those thoughts end up being the source of someone else’s discomfort.
Q: How to deal with jealousy from a partner's past?
C: We all have to deal with feelings of jealousy at some point and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but you have to try to reflect on why certain things are triggering your jealousy. We shouldn't try to just push jealousy away, but acknowledge it and try to understand what's causing it as that's the only way to help deal with it in the long term.
If it's about your partner's past, maybe you just need to have a full, honest conversation about your past and get it all out on the table. It might be a little difficult to hear about your partner being with other people, but once you know that you have trust and there's nothing to hide, it gets easier.
Loving someone is scary and it puts you in a vulnerable position, but that's the risk we pay for it.
Their past is in the past, they've moved on and have chosen a life with you, you have to trust that. Have faith in yourself, you are enough, you partner loves you, chooses you and doesn't want to cheat on you. Keep reminding yourself of that and work on building up your self confidence as that is often the root of jealousy.
Q: The condom rips when me and my boyfriend have sex. He puts it on properly so I’m not sure why it keeps ripping?
B: That is indeed very unusual! Condoms will occasionally rip, but for them to continuously do so is definitely a sign that something needs adjusting. If you’re giving your partner oral sex, are you being cautious when it comes to it getting caught on teeth? Does your partner have any rings, or similar that could catch it when he’s putting it on? Sometimes if there isn’t adequate lubrication, that can also cause condoms to rip, and if you are using a lubricant - what kind is it? Water-based lubricants are ideal for condom use, whereas oil based are unsuitable due to them causing breakage. There should be a solution to this problem, so be sure to check these little details.
C: Perhaps your boyfriend's penis is not the correct size for the condom. Regular condoms are not exactly one size fits all, and many people have ripping or other issues when there is not enough room, especially as there needs to be adequate room left in the condom for the ejaculate. Luckily there are lots of condom brands creating different sizes, so I would highly recommend trying a new size or ordering a sizing kit from a company like One Condoms. Having the right size will be much more comfortable and safe!
Q: Any advice about trying to figure out your sexuality/gender? I'm nearly 24 and still feel super confused when I try to 'decide' or put words on what I am/feel/like
B: I can imagine that probably feels very stressful when there is so much pressure surrounding these topics, as well as the pressure to “pick” a label that feels right for you. The good news is that you don’t actually have to pick at all, and definitely not right now. If you get asked and you feel like giving an answer, you can always say “That’s a great question! I’m still figuring that out myself, so for the moment, I’m just enjoying the process”. Remember that nobody has the right to demand that information from you, and if they’re rude about it, feel free to utilise the phrase “oh, what an odd/rude thing to say. Let’s move on”. The only person who has a right to that kind of info is yourself! If you’re not bothered by not knowing (yet), give yourself permission to relax, and not rush it. If you feel like you’d like a little more guidance or help in figuring this out for yourself, try googling if there are any local LGBT+ organisations (or online ones, if you’d prefer) that offer free counselling or support to those who are struggling with their identity, and see if that helps you find a label that feels like a good fit for you.
C: I totally agree with Becca! We are coming to terms with the fact that sexuality is fluid and although we have so many more terms and identities for sexuality, we still don't need to choose one. The worst thing would be to limit yourself to who you can and cannot love or be sexually attracted to. You are still young, i'm also only a couple years older and although i'm predominantly attracted to men, I still feel a lot of my sexuality is still to be discovered and explored.
If you'd like to explore a little more, i'd highly recommend joining LBGTQ+ groups, online and offline (once things are back to normal), and surround yourself with different people with different sexualities. Things will become clearer to you with more experience and patience, although I know that's a little hard right now, but there's no rush to determine your identity. Lot's of people are coming out, or even changing their sexuality and gender at all ages, so have fun and don't stress about it.
As always, we loved answering your questions and look forward to answering more, so keep watch for next week's post and have a great week!
Lots of love, Cat & Becca xoxo
If you'd like to submit a question for our advice column, just send us a message here.